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Play dad?

October 4, 2012

Met with my lawyer today to go over my proposed visitation and access plan before our next court day in emergency divorce court.

(update on our first court date: judge told him to move out, but gave no deadline. Ordered drug testing – which he failed with very high levels on pot…as expected.)

The visit with the lawyer was odd… Not lawyer, he is great. But he kept stressing me to simplify the visitation plan. “why can’t he return them at 6:30 each day…”

My husband cc’ed me on his plan to his lawyer…. It was odd. No overnights. No bedtimes. No mornings. He says he wants the kids from 7 to 7 three week days each week and alternate Saturdays. But the boy is in daycare two of those days and the girl on school all three days… I said “he wants to keep living on my couch three days a week”. The lawyer said “It sounds like he wants to be a play Dad.”. So weird. Especially since this it the man who filed for sole residential custody in family court just three months ago.

The lawyer is also asking for me to write out the holiday schedule. Exactly who will have the kids from 6:30 pm on Christmas eve for the next 15 years…

I returned from the meeting out of sorts. it took me a while to put my finger on what was bothering me… Somehow planning the day to day access schedule didn’t feel like that big a deal, but deciding how and (more importantly, WHEN) I will be celebrating all holidays for the foreseeable future, made this seem like a very, very, very big deal. What I decide will be the permanent holiday plan unless we go back to court…

Linking up with Shell’s Pour Your Heart Out today.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. October 4, 2012 4:00 am

    I’ve no personal experience with divorce but have watched several friends deal with this issue. Even in the “most amicable” of divorces figuring out holiday custody is heartwrenching. Thinking of you.

  2. October 4, 2012 2:14 pm

    Thinking of you. My parents divorced when I was in nine, and I have the closest relationship in the world with my Mom. Don’t know if that helps you to know at all, but just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you.

  3. Pam permalink
    October 5, 2012 1:41 am

    From someone who knows; It may seem very hard right now, but believe me it gets much easier. My ex & I have been divorced 10 years. At first he was very involved with everything, then once he got involved with someone else he moved 3 1/2 hours away, so it kind of slacked off, then he moved back and it was totally out of control, he wanted them all the time and they never wanted to go cause they were used to not having him around. It took about a year to get back into a normal routine. Now, they are all teenagers so they can pretty much choose when and if they want to spend time with him.
    You will have very hard times, but be very specific in your divorce papers with things or you don’t have really legal grounds, i.e.; No Drugs or Alcohol when the kids are with him; have a “set-up” spot to exchange the kids (it makes it much easier on neutral territory).
    I think my biggest piece of advice (that took me 8 years to figure out) we do, 1 year he has the kids for all holidays, next year I have them for all holidays; on the years that he has kids for “major” holidays, don’t compete, it will kill you, emotionally, financially, & physically. I used to hate when he had them for Christmas and they would come home to do their thing here. They would be here about a 1/2 hour and want to go back to dad’s because they got cooler stuff there. So, this is what I have started doing, I sat them all down and told them the truth, I don’t have money to compete with your dad and I am not doing it anymore. When you go to your dad’s on Christmas Eve, that is your Christmas. I will by you what you “need” pants, shirts, etc, give me a list of what games, movies, cds you want and I will get you 1 or 2 of the things on your list. Then next year when you are with me on Christmas Eve, we will do big things. I suggest you start that right from day one and let them know right from the beginning that is how it is going to be. It has been sooo much better for us and for them.
    Just remember, it will be very hard and stressful, but if you think things through and talk to your lawyer it will be much easier. And make sure his lawyer goes through your’s that also saves a lot of headaches.

  4. October 5, 2012 2:38 am

    It is a big deal. But still- you’ll get it all worked out!

  5. October 5, 2012 6:25 am

    What a frustrating situation! I hope you all are able to find common ground when it comes to visitation/custody.

  6. October 8, 2012 5:09 pm

    Best of luck. It’s hard to think about all the future holidays and sorting them out, but I’m sure it’ll work out.

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