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Sinking?

February 16, 2012

I find after a big blow-up we both retreat to our own corners for a while to lick our wounds and recover. Then, after a few days, we return to normal. Equilibrium is once again restored.

We had a big “blow up”, nearly a week and a half ago. And while equilibrium has been restored, it is not on the same level as before. Our marriage has, most definitely, sunk down to a lower, less functioning, level.

How, you ask?

My hubby has pulled out the big gun of refusing to sleep in our bed. Announcing he is “just too angry” to sleep beside me anymore.

Why, you ask?

I am not exactly sure why all of a sudden he is so angry… But I do have some theories. One is that I am no longer caving to his intimidation via anger and yelling. I am quietly not letting him steamroll me.

But also I am not worrying about his stuff… I am busy doing my own things.

My response to his tactic?

I send him an email:

I have been thinking about where we can go from here. We are both angry and upset. We are both disappointed and unhappy. There isn’t anything achieved by rehashing those feelings, discussing them just makes us both more upset.

You feel I am unwilling to change. That isn’t true. But in order to try to make the changes you want I need to know the specific actions you want me to make. For example, “make saying hello giving me a kiss and asking about my day the first action upon returning home”.

I want that sort of specific action oriented list from you

I also included 4 specific requests… Three involving his anger (not in front of the children, time out signal if that happens, that I will leave the space if he continues) and one about having meetings with a therapist to discuss child care guidelines.

No response other than a verbal thank you. Maybe I will send a reminder?

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