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Benefits of being a Bully

February 6, 2012

In my final post of the lessons I have learned from Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” I wanted to talk about the benefits of being a bully. Lundy’s key point is that these men act this way because it gets them what they want. Here is Lundy’s list:

  1. The intrinsic satisfaction of power and control
  2. Getting his way, especially when it matters to him the most
  3. Someone to take his problems out on
  4. Free labor from her, leisure and freedom for him
  5. Being the center of attention, with priority given to his needs
  6. Financial control
  7. Ensuring that his career, education, or other goals are prioritized
  8. Public status of partner and/or father without the sacrifices
  9. The approval of his friends and relatives
  10. Double standards {If you act like him you will hear about your poor behavior!}

Wow! Quite a list, huh? No wonder it is hard to get these men to change – they have to give up both their typical way of acting AND all these goodies too.

Lundy talks about after a specific encounter that you think about what the abuser was trying to get out of that situation. Thinking about the benefits can help you side-step the manipulation.

For me, #5 was the biggest “ah, ha!” moment. I can’t tell you how much of my thoughts revolve around my husband. (even this blog!). And how much of my families life revolves around his moods and whims.

It all clearly has to stop.

One Comment leave one →
  1. July 26, 2012 5:55 am

    Wow. I never thought of my ex as a bully, but you’re totally right. This is eye-opening. I do hope that you get out of this toxic situation. These men are ruled by power and control… and then by fear when that power and control is threatened. I hope after all this chaos, you find peace.

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