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Why my Husband is so irritating (a sympathetic post, really!)

May 9, 2011

Starting this blog has helped get me out of my rut of bitching to myself about my husband.   Now I start to compose blog posts in my head instead … 🙂  But I am trying not to just bitch and complain, post after post. (I figure that will get OLD fast!)  

So in this spirit, I have been thinking about what my Husband has been thru since we met, what might have changed him from the person I met and fell in love with into who he is today. (With a few details left vague in the spirit of an anonymous blog)

When we met, he was an artist who was tired with struggling to make ends meet. He was in college in a degree program that would lead to a good job but meanwhile he was working 2 jobs and doing well. He had a history of depression, but he seemed to know himself and had it under control. We had conversations about everything and anything.  We talked about our past and our future ideas in detail.  We were in sync and seemed to have a shiny future.

No time to waste – I was in my mid 30’s, he was in his laste 30’s and we wanted a family, So we married 2 years after we met and purchased a house that same summer.  It was a fix-it-upper and while working on we had our first argument.  (Really!) Rest of our life was great, but DIY on the house was a minefield. 

Our daughter was born a couple of years later.  Hubby seemed to be thrilled with daddy-hood.  But he wasn’t happy with me (When a relative of MINE visited he stated that I HATED him…) it seemed mostly due to the lack of a sex life.  (I had NO libido at the time. NONE. Really none until a couple of months ago… but that is another story.)

That summer he graduated and soon started a job… it was …ghastly.  His new career was in a field that you need to “pay your dues” in not-so-great jobs before you will get a good one.  He really tried to stick it out – but it was horrible.  After about 4 months something happened and everyone decided that he was suffering from burnout and should “move on”.

I had been working 4 days – hiring in a nanny 1 day and swapping child care with my sister for the rest.  I think it many months before he took over childcare on the nanny’s day and another year or more before I went back to full-time and he took over my day of child-care-swap. 

He tried to start back in his former artist stuff but it is a struggle and nothing get going.  He has all these ideas – but whenever we discuss them I get critical and it doesn’t go well. (In my defense: They do seem fractured and pie-in-the-sky, but also it seems like everything need more seed money to get started.)  So we stop talking about his “work”.   He starts spending more time out, day & night, working on art or networking.   

Flash forward to now… he still isn’t making any money, and he doesn’t know what he want to do with his life.  Health isn’t good – high-blood pressure, weighs 60+ lbs more, couple health scares, etc. He has been pretty depressed for a couple of years, always worse in the winters. Meds only seem to take the edge off.  He gave up alcohol after abusing it for a while (I am pretty proud of him for that.)  He isn’t enjoying childcare as much (babies are more fun! and they don’t talk back.)  And 5 years later, our sex life is still non-existent. (Despite the brief period where we tried, successfully, to conceive our second child.)

To sum it up – his life sucks and he hates it.  Every stinking minute of it, or nearly so.  (OK my editorializing – He doesn’t say that.  But if he was honest to himself – I bet he would agree! )

And I can’t help him with any of it.  Can’t afford to pay for childcare without him working.  Can’t fix his health or depression, if I try it is just nagging or criticism.  And now he is as prickly as a porcupine, so even if I wanted to, I can’t figure out how to get close enough to resume any intimacy.

So there is the back story, folks. Depressing, isn’t it?

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