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Definition of Insanity

April 20, 2011

You have all heard the joke about the definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different response.  That has been the story of my attempts to “Fix” our marriage:

  • I get fed up, then start to nag him to help and complain about his behavior.  He gets cranky and angry. Life becomes unbearable. I stop.
  • I get fed up, We go to therapy, I complain about his contributions and his behavior.   He gets cranky and angry at home but is perfectly reasonable in therapy, so the therapist gets nowhere. We stop going to therapy.
  • I get fed up, read a new self-help book about fixing your marriage.  We have meetings where I complain about his contributions and his behavior.   He gets cranky, angry and stops participating. I give up on the meetings.

Hmmm….   3 rounds of couple therapy, 4-5 different marriage manuals… maybe I need to try something different…?!?!

 I have been reading the Archives from Alisa at http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2011/03/group-therapy-how-to-overcome-resentment/

This quote made me laugh:

[John Friel, PHD] told me that the definition of co-dependency is “chasing your spouse around the house with a self help book.”

Yikes!  One point that she makes is that you can’t nag your spouse into changing your marriage.  That is something I can embrace.  Clearly every time I try, it gets way, way worse.   

OK – so here is my plan to start:

Step 1… I am going to try to stop telling husband what he is doing wrong, how he should treat me, the kids, etc.

Step 2… I am going to work on my resentment.  Less wallowing! More breathing! 😉

That is enough…  I am going to just try those two items for a while and see how it goes.

PS – husband is seeming more friendly this week … He actually kissed me today (ok just a little peck on the cheek, but still) when neither of us were coming or going.  I wonder why?

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